i’m in it for its advocation of using as little words as possible

Twitter is the reason why the last post was all the back on Aug 30, pre-brunei. why, when you can blog from camp using your handphone, and you can avoid having to write essays as you are forced to write summaries of what you want to say instead?

Well, brunei. never again. literally felt like dying when 1. both my legs were entirely submerged in mud/quicksand in the swamp; 2. i was going up Ah Biang; 3. I fuck up at the objective during the missions.

As I’ve always said, fuck brunei. seriously, do something about your welfare state system. build up your fucking infrastructure. fuck the museums and mosques. and seriously, “The Mall”? Yo sultan, you better wake up your idea before your country implodes.

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72km w00t. I can now discard my jockey card for a new headdress. XD

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and, i’m addicted to jubeat. i still suck at lvl 8 songs and up.

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At the rate I’m going, I absolutely don’t see how I can avoid staying single for the rest of my life. hmm. (lol.)

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TweetSG is a good service, too bad it’s not accepting new sign-ups as the developer has reached his financial limits of running it.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

passive

I still suffer from the lack of willingness to retaliate against any form of violent acts towards me – verbal, physical, or otherwise – especially if the aggressor is a family member.

I respect my family a lot, because that’s how I want to be treated, but the problem is I still respect them a lot even when they obviously don’t deserve it.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

% level of significance

So…
what should I do to make my life
more noticeable to others?

How much difference should I make
to have an impact on others?

And how do I do it without others labeling me as
a failure,
a misfit,
an insignificance,
and spreading falsities about me via truthiness?

…especially for the people who matter the most to me?

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

Limitations

I think that
Limiting computer usage time
Especially after exams
Is pretty stupid.

Worse still,
By means of removing input hardware
To implement.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

household chores

I find it immensely irritating when I take time off mugging to spend hours on household chores only to be reprimanded for things like not spotting a single strand of hair lying in an obscure corner of the house, or clipping the clothes on the bamboo pole in a pattern that my mom does not approve of etc etc. Stupid until cannot be more stupid, 你真的是笨到不可以再笨了, they say.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

mt house comm

I found out that in this year’s sports IHC, MT didn’t even bother putting up sign-up sheets. Apparently, the house comm just calls up people whom they think are good in the sport and ask them to sign up.

So what happens to those who are not as good? It seems that their response is akin to that of “That’s just too bad. I don’t really care that you’re in MT. You suck in volleyball and you have no right to play for us.”

A few days before Volleyball IHC, after noticing the absence of MT sign-ups sheets, I asked Jeffrey, who’s in Volleyball, about sign-ups for this IHC, and he said that his volleyball friend is forming a team, and that this team must be specially picked by him so as to ‘allow for maximum team bonding’. Um, wtf?

Just last year, when I wanted to join the sports IHCs, I was told to leave space for the J2s. This year, I’m told to leave space for better players.

Last year, there was a shortage of MT people participating in IHC. This year, their solution to this problem is to handpick their team in advance.

However, I think there’s one particular person whom I think is the most disgusting, the most biased person I’ve ever met, aside from my choir conductor. He thinks that he’s the greatest, that he’s good at every single sport, that since he has a lot of friends [as seen by his long list of birthday presents], and is so high up in the social ranks, therefore he has all the right to say “You suck at volleyball. You do not deserve to play.”. He is willing to sacrifice the use of a female school team volleyball player, in order to ensure that I do not play. Yet, as I spectate all his volleyball games, I dare say that I can play just as well, if not better, as him.

If not for the rest of the J2s in MT, I would have completely lost faith in the house I’ve been faithful towards for the past 6 years. I don’t care if they are faking it, but I shall believe that they are sincere, and I’m appreciative of the fact that I’ve been given the opportunity to play during Captain’s Ball IHC, even if it’s just for a few minutes of one match.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

finals

I’m like, quite sad la. My dad delayed his decision to give me permission to invite people over to watch the euro 08 finals. By the time he made his decision, someone else beat me to it. And made sure there was no space left for me anyone else to join.

I dunno how to feel about this. Should I just count myself unlucky, or should I wonder why I wasn’t invited in the first place?

So in about half an hour I would be watching the match alone. Maybe my dad would join me; I do enjoy watching football matches with him, but it’s not quite the same, you see.

Perhaps, I’m not close enough to specific people, that I try to make more friends instead of making closer friends. I know many people, but it seems I have not made so much of an impact on anyone. So what if you know many people? So what if you have hundreds of people on your MSN contacts, or your facebook? If you haven’t made much of a (positive) impact on anyone, then you won’t be noticed. No one would think of inviting you over to any of their activities.

My pleas are being ignored.

Maybe all these insecurities were a result of something my P6 form teacher said to me at the end of the year, after PSLE: “The Australia trip is too full, and I’ve decided to take you out of the trip because you won’t have any friends there anyway.” I didn’t show it right then, but that was the ultimate blow after 3 years of being ostracized by most of the hpps gep people in my batch, not to mention the express people, who generally dislike the geppers.

I thought secondary school would allow me to make a fresh start, but my bad habits made sure I would be generally disliked for the next 4 years.

And now, JC. I made a bigger effort to let others have a good impression of myself. But still, it’s all in vain. I couldn’t correct my bad habits, and learnt a few new ones along the way. They are the type of bad habits that let others despise not like you. I get the impression that people think I’m not doing anything about it. Despite that, I want to make this point that I’m still trying really hard to correct them, even if it takes a long time.

Maybe I have been permanently-marked “weirdo” already, and there’s no way I can wash it off.

I still think all my shortcomings are due to one main problem: my lack of self-confidence, fear of failure, that I think I will fail in everything I do. And during times when I actually am quite confident in myself, others would just remind me to lose faith in myself just before I attempt to do something I have never succeeded in before.

To summarize: woonie certainly does not enjoy being left out even though he has much experience of being left out, which is why he has decided that he does not enjoy it. at all.

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Went to the Toy and Comics Convention at Suntec yesterday afternoon, mainly to visit Otto Fong’s booth, where I bought a copy of his latest book. Took photos of several cosplayers, and witnessed darth vader and a storm trooper battling it out on Wii Tennis, which attracted many photographers who are eying the top prize of the Convention’s Photography Competition.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

trauma

I get easily traumatized by non-stop input of information relating to my status as a failure/loser. It gets worse if the info input continues despite pleas for it to stop.

To ease the suffering (but does not free myself from it), I would hide in one corner, cover my ears tight and think about absolutely nothing at all.

(This appears too many times as nightmares, and occurred twice this year in real life.)

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Or maybe I just refuse to accept reality i.e. that i am indeed a living failure.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

The List

I finally did it. I sat down and made a list of everything that I should do [in the short run].

To Do:
Hand in OTeam sign-up form
Math Assignment 5A, 5B
GP Comprehension
Music Practical
Hindemith Analysis
Econs Tutorial – Firms
Math Tutorial 5B
Practice Pull-ups
H3 Music Research Essay

Upcoming Events
21 July – NUSS Bridge Tournament
24 July – Econs Lecture Test
24 July – Piano Masterclass @ Design Centre
27 July – Physics SPA
31 July – NWCDC Photography Competition [deadline]
PROMOS [t3h p4n1ck5!]

Now for the hard part:
Actually doing my work.

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I vow not to get any lower than 45% for this tuesday’s econs test. I think this is a reasonable target, considering that I have been getting single-digit scores out of 25 or 30 for my essays, lecture tests and common test. Then again, this is the reason why no one bothers about my existence. After all, what good can a failure like me do to them? And talking about failure, why do popular people in school complain they are failures after overachieving in everything they do?

I SHALL BUCK UP ON MY ESSAY WRITING. It took me forever to find the right words to describe what I wanted to say in the previous paragraph. ECONS. GP. MUSIC <– yes this subject requires essay-writing too. >=(

Remembering theory of Econs is relatively simple. It’s the essay-writing and time management which fail me. The process of phrasing what I want to write about in a coherent and readable manner is my biggest obstacle.

This obstacle not only applies to essay-writing, but also my presentation skills. I need to be more confident in what I want to say. I need to be able to let people know what I’m trying to tell them. If I don’t do something about this, I will fail the 40% allocated to Oral Presentation for PW for sure.

Damn I better stop writing any more in case the OTeam Comm comes across this blog post and deny my application because of all these shortcomings. \=

I WANNA BE AN OGL.

This shall be my motivation to make a drastic improvement in time for Promos.

Being in the 27th percentile for CT1 is a really really bad sign though. =(

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.

smile

People say I smile a lot. Most of them say I smile too much. Some don’t like me smiling too much.

Is smiling too much really a bad thing?

Then again, my smiles don’t necessarily mean that I’m happy… most of the time.

Eg. during GP lesson. I couldn’t finish my essay outline in time. “Sorry, Mrs Singh.” – Me, with my unavoidable smile. “And you still can smile huh.” – Singh, sounding really pissed.

I was being apologetic, yet I was smiling. wtf is wrong with me?

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I quote myself from a blog post I made back in July 2005:

“no one bothers to listen to my problems. people think i have no problems. they think i’m permanently cheerful coz i’m always with a smile. but i’m suffering inside. no one knows.”

As I read through what I had been ranting about 2 years ago, I realized that I have not changed a single bit at all. My own classmates, never mind the fact that they are new classmates, still dislike me, I still sleep during class, and I still procrastinate. And I still have that stupid smile on my face which people interprete as a lack of seriousness in doing stuff. I still can’t garner enough respect for myself.

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I apologize to Royce Yap for talking too much about the tutorial test shortly after it ended, and not realizing that he was in a really pissed mood because of the test. I should have realized earlier. Shortly before that, I was getting pissed with Mervyn coz I screwed up my test and he kept wanting to discuss the questions with me. I should be more sensitive to others’ feelings. Gahh.

Till the next time, it’s me, woonie, signing off.